Comcast claims ownership of Salem State Networking, Data now transferred with mercury

In a recent press release by Comcast CEO Brian Roberts, Comcast Corporation has claimed Salem State College has violated the corporation's terms of service for providing internet access.

"The amount of bandwidth and type of switching used on the Salem State network has concerned us and our corporate growth. As more students join these campuses, internet resources are becoming more scarce. We took the step to inherit the IT networking resources at Salem State; we thought it to be the only logical thing to do."

IT employees, shocked at the news, thought it to be an April Fools joke, until Comcast employees started scoping out the network resources at Central Campus earlier today dressed in white uniforms.

"We believe this is the best move," says Pem Lyorge, student representative from Salem State IT resources. "Comcast has plenty of experience in the IT field, and deal with many issues that we believe can better represent the students and faculty we help on campus." Lyorge is best known for his research on wealthy Nigerian royalty and their ability to use email.

On the topic of internet connectivity, Lyorge had to say that "The days when your average 'Gomer Pyle' type of internet problem happened every day are now a thing of the past! Our new internet system, powered by mercury, is a far safer system for transferring data. Our first plan of action will be to replace the existing cabling in the Library with new 'Comcastic!' cabling."

Gomer Pyle was not available for interview, but was curious as to why Pem Lyorge had the same letters in his name as Pyle.